Oh The Pain!

I remember growing up my mom would display her bruised calf the morning after a particularly brutal attack. This brusing was not the result of domestic abuse - although if my dad were a bruiser he probably would have had a bruise on his arm too! I am talking about the evil Charley Horse (dun dun dUUUUUn!!!!). If you are unfamiliar with the feeling, let me describe it to you as I am quite familiar with them.

Imagine - you are sound asleep dreaming of whatever it is that makes you happy. Suddenly you feel an intense gripping sensation in one calf and you are wide awake screaming and writhing in pain. This is when your survival skills kick in. You try to stretch your leg out but it hurts so it is out of bed with you and to your feet. Within seconds of achieving the stretch the muscle relaxes and you are left with a dull ache that - depending on the severity of the cramp - could last for a day or two.

Just last Monday in child birth class our instructor talked about these leg cramps and how to deal with them. Although I am an old pro at taming the Horse called Charley, being pregnant changes things a bit. For one thing, "hopping out of bed" really isn't an option. Getting out of bed now is something akin to saving a beached whale (seriously I can joke about it but if you comment on it, I am blocking you from my blog). It does not happen quickly. So the instructor tells us what to do (Terry and myself). Even pre-pregnancy cramps I would call for Terry's aid in rubbing the contracting muscle as I twisted in pain, but now the instructor gave us two part instructions. Push the toes toward the knee while simultaneously pulling the heel away from the body achieving a nice deep stretch for the calf without the need for a wall to lean into. Seems simple - right?

So this is how it plays out. In the wee hours of the morning, I awake screaming and writhing in pain trying desperately to stretch my calf just as we had been instructed. As someone who can barely tie her shoes when fully awake due to an ever growing mid-section, this is a challenge. I call in reinforcements. Despite the fact he is lying right next to me, I begin to yell for Terry to help me. "CRAMP! CRAMP! Oh my God CRAMP!" That explains everything - right?
NOTE: Terry is a heavy sleeper. He is not easy to wake and, since he is not feeling the pain I am, is still a little groggy having only the slightest clue why I am screaming at him.
I begin to yell orders, "Push my toes and pull on my heel!" He clumsily pushes my toes in such a way that my ankle is twisting painfully to the side and the cramp continues to get tighter in my calf. I continue to scream, "What are you doing? Push straight toward my knee! PULL on my HEEL!" He continues to fumble with my foot and by this time I am ready to just cut my leg off so the pain will stop. "What is wrong with you?" Please understand I am wide awake and assume he is as well - why wouldn't he be? Last ditch effort on my part - "Give me your foot I will show you what to do!" Finally he gets it, and the calf is stretched and the cramp stops immediately. IMMEDIATELY! LIKE MAGIC I MEAN! I love you child birth educator - and you too Terry.

I call all clear that the cramp is over and seconds later we are both snoozing again. In the morning we discuss what transpired just a few hours earlier and how my calf is still sore. Terry tells me he was trying so hard to focus and wake up which is the first time I realized why he was so clumsy. Let's just hope I don't go into some kind of dramatic full-on labor in the middle of the night or it might be a scene straight out of an I LOVE LUCY episode with me running around screaming and Terry without a clue why.